Overpreparing to be Underprepared

 (Sidenote: I was NOT expecting to see this website after junior year lol)

“Look at your core values.” “Reflect on what has been a defining factor of your life.” “Choose epiphanies that have changed you as a person.”

This week, and most of this summer, I’ve felt like my own personal lab rat. Reflecting on what kind of person I am as a reader, and later what have I done to change the type of person I am in general, is hard to do when the hardest decision I’ve made this week, and probably in my life, has been “Am I sick enough to miss school?” Usually I tell myself no and regret it, but when I tell myself yes I’m brought to tears. In the last three weeks of school, I’ve missed certain hours and certain days, but every time I cry. I cry because I know how much work I’m going to have to make up, not seeing friends, missing notes, and feeling ill at all.

But most of all, I cry because I can’t control it. Throughout my life, another large decision of my life has been to keep a planner. I began my journey with the obnoxiously large agendas in elementary school and later moved to the cute stationary version as I entered high school. As time went on, my handwriting went from large and neat so I could feel like I was soooo responsible with soooo much to do, to messier, minuscule scrawls as classes grew harder and I grew older and more knowledgeable of the fact that my planner would fill to the brim within the first month if I didn’t write in ten-point font. Another enormous choice I’ve always made has been to bring too many things with me. I have two books, five folders, one binder, 7 pencils, a plethora of pens, highlighters, and sticky notes, hygiene products galore, snacks just in case, tissues because who knows?, and a nearly broken back. The gripping fear of being unprepared always stopped me from lightening my load, which in turn weighed my mental and physical burden.

Not having everything under control has always been a big fear of mine, and understanding this helps me to make sense of the first question I was asked in AP Lit— what am I scared of? I was scared of reading a book without knowing the ending. But more than that, I don’t like the unknown, or when things go off-track. Writing this blog, along with answering that question, has made me reflect on what my core value is. It seems to be organization, but more bluntly put is control. But this assignment doesn’t have to be about what the values are, but how I can change them. 

So for my core value, I will work my hardest to work my least for acceptance.

Me realizing all my problems are basically the same and are the fault of the things I did to prevent them from being problems:

(Spider-Man template link)